Do you often hear yourself say:- ‘When I have (sorted out something, reached this goal, proved myself, made this amount of money, bought this, moved here etc) then I will be/can have the relationship/love/success…’. I used to tell myself that ‘once I had my business running successfully then I can have the relationship and that I am just so busy and that it would be too much of a distraction to have a man in my life.’ Guess what, that was 5 years ago and it was only less than a year ago that I changed this story. I was single for 4 years constantly sabotaging the possibility of love because of this one story. I am probably busier now than I was back then. Am I open to love now? Absolutely. Because now I have shifted that story to a new belief that ‘the right relationship will actually help me in what I want to achieve’. Because of this new belief I also now attract men that that help me learn and grow. Even if it hasn’t become a love relationship the learning and growth helps me be happy and achieve success. In fact this blog post has been inspired by a man that constantly challenges me! I also now feel that I am worthy of love and happiness and this is what was really going on underneath. My story was created because I didn’t feel worthy or good enough. I was simply justifying my feeling of unworthiness.
I used to say ‘once I had studied this course or reached a certain goal then I would be able to be successful in my business and then I would be able to have love.’ But then I would get opportunities thrown at me and of course I had to take them all up. Although I felt excited about them and what was possible what I realised they were often a distraction. Taking up all these amazing opportunities was actually sabotaging my success because I became so busy with everything it took me away from what really was important and what would actually make me really happy. What did I really want underneath it all? I wanted love and success. I wanted real happiness. I was too busy trying to find happiness in all this stuff that I forgot that happiness wasn’t something you find. It is something you be.
All these reasons, or should I say excuses as to why we can’t have love and success yet are BULLSHIT… Because that day is never going to come. Once you achieve that thing you needed to do first, then you will find another reason as to why you can’t have what you really want yet. All the stories and excuses are actually just to protect you from your fears – fear of getting hurt, fear of success, fear of failure, fear of the unknown.
What if you met the love of your life and your fear was getting hurt so you pushed them away or sabotaged the relationship? You would tell yourself you are ‘too busy’ and you are ‘not ready’ / ‘it’s not the right time’. More bullshit. What if they were the one person that would help you grow and learn so you could let go of all your stories and your fears and have that amazing soul-connected love. What are your real values? Do you want a relationship and loving family? How would it feel to be with the love of your life? What would that make possible for you? Well, guess what, you just pushed it away so you could keep being ‘busy’. Not having to feel anything. Choosing not to feel love because underneath that you are ultimately afraid of pain. Being ‘busy’ or ‘not ready’ really means ‘I am afraid’. Because if you weren’t you would embrace the opportunity of true love and you would push yourself to succeed.
What if you had the opportunity to be super successful in doing what you really love? You probably don’t know what that’s like because it’s the fear of the unknown. What if you do step up and then everyone knows you? What if they judge you? What if they don’t like you? What if, what if, what if… No more what if’s…Let go of your Excuses, stories, blah blah blah…. How much longer are you going to let these run your life? To keep you from being happy and having a life you really love!
If you asked me if I was afraid of being hurt 2 years ago I would have told you ‘of course not’ I would have said ‘I’m just not ready for love, it’s not the right time, I just too busy focusing on my business to have a relationship right now.’ Now I look back and can see that in fact I was sabotaging all of my relationships. Same repeat patterns with men – using men as a numbing, which meant seeing so many different men if it didn’t work out I would have another to make me feel good so I didn’t have to feel ‘not good enough’. I wouldn’t allow myself to get attached by pushing away the ones I actually felt a connection with. I made up so many reasons as to why I couldn’t have love. I would tell myself that same story that a man would just be a distraction from my work and my success. Then I was sabotaging my success by doing so many different things keeping myself ‘busy’. On the outside I looked like a success and inspiration to people and in fact that made me feel good. But it wasn’t real. It was all this ‘busy-ness’ that was distracting me from what underneath I really wanted. True love and real success – I didn’t want to appear successful and happy – I wanted to BE it.
The truth was that I was afraid…. afraid of getting close to anyone, afraid of getting hurt. And underneath the fear was a deep feeling of unworthiness. I didn’t feel worthy of love. I didn’t feel worthy of success. I didn’t feel like I deserved happiness. Underneath the belief was that what if I did meet the love of my life and I wasn’t good enough for him and he doesn’t want me? What if he doesn’t love me as much as I love him? What if I am not pretty enough, not talented enough, not smart enough….and so on. So I told myself I would have to make sure that I become successful first and then I will be good enough and then I will be ready. And then I will be worthy of love…then he could love me. Right? WRONG. That’s not success. That’s actually sabotaging real success and it was stopping me from being truly happy. I needed to feel my own worthiness.
So what do we do then? How do we stop sub-consciously sabotaging ourselves? We look at what is really going on underneath. What is the real fear playing out? Most often you will find it is ultimately because you don’t feel worthy of love and success. That you don’t feel like you deserve it. That you don’t feel good enough. I know I say this time and time again but it’s because it is the only way… the path to real love and happiness comes from within. You must fill yourself up with love first to heal these fears. Then you will feel worthy. Then you will feel good enough. Then you will naturally attract the love and success that you really do want. Then you will BE happy. It doesn’t matter if you feel ready or not…the greatest love and happiness happens when you least expect it, so be open to it otherwise you might look back and think ‘what if’ and run all your stories and excuses over again and again. Do you want to look back in another 10, 20, 30 years looking at how your stories having been running your life. Or do you want it now?? Ask yourself these questions:
- What is it that I really want out of life?
- What reasons/excuses am I using to not have this right now?
- What are the fears behind those stories?
- What are you really afraid of? What’s the real emotion behind those fears? (For example feeling unworthy)
Now that you know what emotion is behind this you know what you need to work on healing by filling yourself up with your own love. For those of you who are not sure where to start, I have put together a one page 7 Steps in 7 Days to Self-Love which will give you a starting point – 7 Steps to Self-Love.
I constantly have to keep myself in check and have recently been reminded of this after talking to a friend who has also been in this space. I could see in him what I had been doing to myself. Of course this is because soul connections are our mirrors and they help us see in ourselves what we don’t feel ready to see – both good and bad! But this is what helps us to learn and grow to be able to fill ourselves up with love and heal ourselves.
I had been looking into doing some more workshops on Sacred Sexuality and it was perfect timing that I had this realisation again. Sacred Sexuality is something I feel drawn to do and I don’t like to do anything half-assed. So I asked myself… what is my priority in my work right now? My priority is to get my book written and develop these women’s healing and coaching programs. I knew that if I started delving into sacred sexuality right now that my energy would have been taken away from that. It was one of my old stories of ‘I need to do this training before I can be successful in this area’. I wasn’t valuing what I already have to teach. I wasn’t valuing myself. I wasn’t feeling worthy of success. And as I think this blog post proves, yes I do have the knowledge and I am worthy! And you reading this, yes you! You are worthy too!